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COVID-19 HUMOR #3

HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE STILL DOING WELL.  MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU DAY A LITTLE BRIGHTER:

  I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas $0  Entertainment $0  Clothes $0   Groceries $2,799.

 

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life! 

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people. 

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale." 

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks. 

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a vineyard to home school one. 

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. 
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever. 

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ... 

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first. 


The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things: 
1. How dense the population is. 
2. How dense the population is. 

Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now". 

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money. 

Home school Day 1:  I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class. 


Okay, the schools are closed.  So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what? 

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself ... 

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides. 

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ... 

      I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only.  A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. 
      He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. 
      As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."   
  
Enjoy your day.  You don't have anything else to do.

COVID-19 HUMOR (PART 2)

It's Come to This:

The recession has hit everybody really hard:

 My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail   

 CEO's are now playing miniature golf.  

  Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen 

  I saw a Mormon with only one wife.        

  If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.      

 McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer. 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America 

 Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 

  My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!  

   A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.  

    A picture is not worth 1000 words anymore. 

   When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. 

  The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. 

 

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                             DO YOU REMEMBER?

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THE THREE GIRLS ARE?

DO YOU REMEMBER HANGING OUT AT STEED'S DAIRY BAR?